Don’t Give Up on Testicular Cancer

Traveling the Testicular Cancer Journey as a Caregiver - Episode #23

May 27, 2021 The Max Mallory Foundation - Joyce Lofstrom host Season 1 Episode 23
Don’t Give Up on Testicular Cancer
Traveling the Testicular Cancer Journey as a Caregiver - Episode #23
Show Notes Transcript

Kristen Gautier is an elementary process coordinator and psychological examiner in special education and coaches junior varsity basketball. She traveled the testicular journey as a caregiver for her husband, Nate. She shares her story of caregiving and the importance of taking care of herself during the journey and now, with their first child soon to arrive.  Listen to Kristen's story here on Don't Give Up on Testicular Cancer from the Max Mallory Foundation.

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Traveling the Testicular Cancer Journey as a Caregiver, guest Kristen Gautier - Episode 23


Welcome to Don't Give Up on Testicular Cancer, where cancer survivors, caregivers, and others touched by cancer share their stories. The Max Mallory Foundation presents this podcast in honor and memory of Max Mallory, who died at age 22 from testicular cancer. I'm your host, Joyce Lofstrom, a young adult and adult cancer survivor, and Max's mom.


JOYCE:

Hi, this is Joyce, and I'm glad you could join me today for Don't Give Up on Testicular Cancer, our podcast from the Max Mallory Foundation. And with me today is Kristen Gautier. And Kristen is a caregiver, was a caregiver for a testicular cancer survivor.  And we're going to talk a little bit about her experience with caregiving. And I will mention that we also had talked with her husband, Nate, on one of our podcasts. So, Kristen, I'm so glad you could join me.


KRISTEN:

Thank you so much for having me, Joyce.


JOYCE:

Well, tell me a little bit about yourself and just kind of, you know, about Kristen before we get into the whole testicular cancer topic.


KRISTEN:

Absolutely. So I work in a school district as a school psychological examiner. I work with special education students and their families. And I have been a basketball coach for the last four years at the high school here in my district. And I'm actually going to be taking a year off because Nate and I are pregnant. And so we are going to take some time to get used to a new little one running around the house before getting back into  the coaching career at some point, I'm sure. I grew up in Southwest Missouri and I attended high school there. I then went to college at Evangel University and got my master's in school counseling. And I counseled students for a few years before switching over to the special education side.


JOYCE:

Well, that's wonderful on your pregnancy. Congrats to both of you.


KRISTEN:

Thank you.


JOYCE:

So nice you can take that year off too. That's such an important time to be with a new child. So that's great. Well, tell me then about your journey with testicular cancer as a caregiver for Nate. Just anything you want to share and we'll get into more of it as we keep talking, but go ahead.


KRISTEN:

Absolutely. So when we found out that  Nate had cancer, we kind of took two separate views on things. And I think that that's pretty typical. And as the spouse, I was like, okay, we need to make a plan. And as the person getting diagnosed, it was kind of like a shock moment. So we  kind of we started out our process on two separate journeys dealing with the same thing. And it took us a really long time to accept that  you know, in every story, there are different characters that go on different journeys, even if they're dealing with the same type of problem. And so Nate kind of got stuck in this like, wow, this is happening to me, I'm so healthy, and I'm so athletic. And I was like, Okay, the doctor said, this is what's going on, we need to make a plan, let's go. And I kind of started to put myself and my own needs aside as a caregiver. And I just really focused on, okay, what does my husband need?  And what can I do to make this process easier for him? And just kind of move this process along so that we can get started on this gigantic battle that we're about to embark on.


And so as he started his journey, as far as surgery, that was our first step. We had about 12 hours to get prepared for a pretty big surgery. I think they called us around 5.30, 6 o'clock, and we had surgery the next morning at 6 o'clock. And it was right around Christmas time. So as a wife and taking care of the home, I was like, oh gosh, it's Christmas and we don't have our tree up and Nate's going to have surgery.  We tried to do all the things. You know, I think we just started the process overwhelmed. And I feel like we kind of stuck, we stayed in that overwhelmed stage for a while. And then as he started the chemotherapy process,  We still had the same battles, you know, he was very resistant at first, and the chemo is brutal to their bodies. And so as a caregiver, I just really tried to live each day to how can I make this day even just a little bit better? What can I do to make things a little bit easier to take things off this plate, all while trying to hold a full time job?


And I think what I noticed over time was that I didn't feel emotionally like I was going through anything. I felt like because I had a plan and I was executing the plan, that everything was fine. And everything was okay. And it wasn't till probably even a month after he finished chemo that I really started to feel all of the emotions that I had kind of put to the side to get us through this time. And that was a really hard time for us because Nate was still going through  you know, his own set of emotions and how to deal with, you know, the fact that he had been off work for so long, and now he's going to go back to work. And, you know, he's bald now, and just all these different things that he was dealing with. And then I was just now getting to that point of, oh, my gosh, this just happened to us, we went through this. Now what like my entire day has been for the last four or five months has been about taking care of Nate and  you know, taking care of, we have two dogs, making sure that they're taken care of and taking care of our home and not necessarily taking care of me or even really feeling any of the emotions.


JOYCE:

Yeah, you were in a very challenging position, Kristen, because as you just described, you were working full time, you had the house responsibilities, all the everyday things that still go on in life, but then your main focus was Nate and what to do to help him. And I think as it's so easy to happen, you got lost in the shuffle, meaning your emotions and what you needed. So that was going to be my next question about how did you finally resolve that during this journey?


KRISTEN:

Yeah, I mean, I had to really rely on the people that were surrounding us. We were fairly new to the community at the time. I think we had lived here for about three years, but neither one of us are from this area. And we didn't realize how amazing our community was until we went through this challenge in this time in our life. And we had people that we didn't even know that knew who we were reaching out to us, like, can we bring you food? What can we do to help you?  And, you know, I'm a pretty independent person. And so at first, I was very hesitant. I was like, we're fine, we're doing okay. And I really just had to realize that we're not fine, and we're not doing okay. And that's okay. We need to accept the help of others. And we had such a wonderful  group of people that were willing to help. And so just kind of humbling myself and accepting that it was okay to take help from others.


It helped that I was coaching at the time as well. So going to see my girls after school and having an hour and a half doing something that I loved with a group of girls that I love kind of helped to take my mind off of the stress of things. And then I just had to spend some time  you know, with myself at the end, you know, after all that had gone through, I had to realize that I needed to process what I had just gone through. And, you know, I think for me, that was a lot of meditation and prayer. You know, for others, I think, like looking back, one thing that I wish that I would have done more was journal about the experience and kind of spend time really processing through what I was feeling and really finding some downtime for myself.  No, I was just thinking like to get through it, as I was going through it and not waiting until four months later to be like, okay, all these emotions all at once.


JOYCE:

Let's do it. Right. I was going to say you had to travel too, didn't you, for your care? It wasn't in your local community?


KRISTEN:

No, actually, it was in our local community, which was great. I mean, it was about a 10-15 minute drive for us. It wound up working out great. Had we had not like, had we not moved to this area, we would have probably had to travel an extended amount of time for our care. So all the pieces had really lined up for us to have a great experience as far as hospital availability and doctors and all of those things.


JOYCE:

Oh, that's good. That helps a lot. Because I know with Max, we had to travel and that is  challenging. It adds another cog to the whole journey. What do you think the biggest challenge that you faced was during this long journey?


KRISTEN:

I think for me, the biggest challenge was seeing my husband who was running marathons and was so very healthy. Knowing that he was going to have to get sick to get better was very hard for me to wrap my mind around.  It almost felt like I was forcing him to do it. Like it was my fault that I was making him sick. And it took a while for me to realize that that's just a part of this process that, you know, every cancer patient is different. Even cancer patients that have the same diagnoses are different in how they start and finish their process. And I am not the reason he's getting sick. I just have to be there through it with him and help him to get better after.


JOYCE:

How about as a couple, what do you think your biggest challenge was?


KRISTEN:

I think our biggest challenge was trying to see each other's point of view. Okay. For him, it was terrifying. Prior to having this surgery, Nate was never sick, ever. As a child, he wasn't sick. He had your cold, your flu every once in a while. He was so healthy all the time. And he ran all the time and we ate well. And so for him, it was like, it just didn't really make sense that this could be happening to him. And then for me, I was like, well, it is happening. We got to do something about it. And he just needed time. And so, you know, for us, I was thinking like, oh, my gosh, we have to do this now because I don't want to lose you. You're my husband. And for him, he was like, oh, my gosh, this is all happening so fast.  And I don't, I'm not ready to process this. I haven't processed this. And so we were kind of going two different speeds at first and in two different directions. And really just being able to see where each other were coming from and make a decision together to start the journey was really hard. And then as we went through the journey, we found out that the chemo had killed all of Nate's sperm. So that added another challenge because we're young and we don't have kids yet. And  Thankfully, our doctor had recommended that we had banked our sperm. And so we still had some, but we knew that the process from here on out to have children and to grow our family was going to be difficult as well.


JOYCE:

Well, yes, it is. And it sounds like though that you've overcome at least one of the hurdles to have your first child. So I think that's great. But I know I've talked to other young men who've  mentioned that as well and the importance of doing it. So I'm glad that you had a physician that recommended that to you. Absolutely. So you mentioned both of you being athletic, you as a basketball coach, and then Nate as a runner. Can you just, I mean, talk about, and you already shared about how surprised I think you both were based on eating right and good health and exercising and, you know, how did your athleticism play out during all of this? I know Nate was very sick, but were you able to continue doing any kind of walking, running, whatever you might be doing?


KRISTEN:

Yeah. For Nate, he was very sick, but he still had his running family too, and they never gave up on him or left our side. And when he did feel good, they would go out and run a mile or walk a mile or do whatever it was that he was capable of doing. And they did it together and really uplifted him. I was able to coach and stay active in that. And that was a blessing. Our community and our families were able to step in when I needed to be away with my team.  And it was really hard because obviously I wanted to be with my spouse and I almost felt guilty at times not being with him. But it was good for my mental health to stay with my team and to finish out the season. And I think I wound up only missing one practice and one game throughout this process. So and those were towards the beginning when I had to miss [them] for his surgery. So I was able to stay pretty active and that was super helpful.


JOYCE:

You know, you make a good point, Kristen, about your own mental health and, you know, being able to still teach and coach and be with your team. I think that's important for caregivers, especially because sometimes you do feel guilty or, you know, I had to go do this for my job and what should I do? And, you know, it's very challenging. And it sounds like you did a good job of managing that because that helped you get through everything. So I'm glad that you mentioned that, because I think that's important for listeners to notice as well.


KRISTEN:

Yeah. And I mean, I didn't, I felt guilty the whole time. And probably even a month afterwards, I would still cry and say, was I, was I there enough for you? Did I do enough? But you know, now being  a couple years removed, like, I needed that. And I've come to the, you know, come to grips with that it was okay. Like, there were people, there were doctors, there were nurses, there were people there that are designed to help Nate get through what Nate needs to get through.  And I needed that so that I could be a caregiver. I don't know that I would have been able to be as good of a caregiver as I feel like I was. I don't know that I was perfect, but I felt better about being that caregiver because I had that time away.


JOYCE:

Right. So I know Nate mentioned, and you mentioned, your support, but I think your dad had a big part in helping both of you.


KRISTEN:

Yeah, so my mom and my dad on Mondays, kind of how we had it set up, I took off work. Mondays were our doctor's appointments. So I always made sure that I was there for all the lab work and the doctor's appointment and the chemo on all of his Monday appointments. And then my mom would go with him on the rest of the days. There were a few days where like his brother and I spent a day with him. We have a close family friend that actually got a sub one day. He's a teacher in our district who spent the day with Nate. And his sister came up and spent the week with him during one of his chemotherapy cycles. And so they did a really great job of helping me out and helping him out and making sure that somebody was always there. And that definitely helped me be able to go to work.  take care of things at home and stuff like that. And then my dad, he is a lot like me. He's very, we have a plan, we need to execute the plan, let's do this. And there are a lot of times when you know, Nate didn't want to go to chemo and he didn't want to and I didn't blame him. I mean, he was very sick, and it's not fun.  No, but there are a lot of times where he needed just a like, you got this, like, suck it up. Let's get through this. We're going to get through this: that kind of that firm, you can do this. And I feel like my dad really stepped in and did that for him. And he pretty much every day, as many days as he could, he would take a lunch and come by and check on me. So if he was  Some days he was craving Chinese food, and so he would go get him and my mom and Nate Chinese food, and they would have lunch together. And he just really tried to go out of his way to make sure that Nate knew that he was there for him, but then also like, hey, we're going to do this. He was kind of that motivator. Like, I know it's hard, but you can do this. You are capable.


JOYCE:

You know, I like what you're saying, too, about the lunch kind of event, I'll call it, because I know that made a huge difference for you and for Nate and just kind of that bond between your family and especially your dad and Nate. It does help you get through things. So I think that's just outstanding that that could all happen.  So, I also know that together you had done just recently, I forgot which month it was, but didn't you both just have a golf tournament to raise awareness about testicular cancer?


KRISTEN:

Yeah, Nate and his friend, Brian Drew here in town, put together this event called Lemon Drop Long Drive and they were able to raise a ton of money and a ton of awareness for testicular cancer and they were able to donate back to the hospitals and donate to the Testicular Cancer Foundation. And they donated to a few other places. And they're continuing to work on that; they want to keep doing that event and being able to raise support and awareness because it does affect a lot more people than we know. And I think a lot of males are typically, it's almost like it's shameful to talk about, they don't feel comfortable talking about it. And so just having a few different people that have been through it, get up and just talk to the guys about like, hey, we go through this, like we need to advocate for ourselves and advocate for our health and check ourselves and all of those things and really normalize that this is something that happens and that it's something you can talk about. So  It wound up being a wonderful event and we had a great turnout and we're excited to hopefully do it again for many years to come.


JOYCE:

I think that's wonderful, too. And I think my family, we're not golfers. Well, actually, my partner Bill's a golfer, but Max wasn't. But I was going to say we're not a golfing family, but that's not correct based on Bill, who's been golfing since he was 10. I think finding that right type of event that works and to try and repeat it. I think golf tournaments are really successful in that way, and it sounds like you already had a good turnout for the first one, so you have a lot going, I think, with that event. So congrats on that, because I think it's just so important to be able to do that. We haven't found an event yet for our family foundation with Max, but we're going to figure out something. I think COVID got in the way for a little bit of it.


KRISTEN:

Yeah.


JOYCE:

So what advice do you have for other caregivers who are taking care of someone with testicular cancer?


KRISTEN:

I think the biggest advice that I would have is to take moments for yourself and not feel guilty about them, whether that's journaling or meditating or talking with a friend.  Going on a hike, whatever it is that you would typically do for your mental health, take time for that because you don't want to wait till the end when you no longer have someone to care for and then all of the emotions come rushing in at the same time. It is okay to take care of yourself while taking care of others.


JOYCE:

I think that's very practical and important advice for anybody in a caregiving situation. You've shared at the beginning what's next in your life with your baby coming. Any other thoughts around your plans for the future? Things you and Nate might be doing that you want to share?


KRISTEN:

Yeah, I mean, we're due in August. So this will be our first summer that I am not coaching. So we're actually going to take a vacation here in a few weeks and go with some friends and just really take some time to sit back and enjoy our friendships and the things, the blessings that are coming in our life and the blessings that have happened and just  get ready for this new phase of our life to be parents for the first time.


JOYCE:

That's wonderful. I love that. That's a great way to end our show because that's such an important, I think, aspect of what many testicular cancer survivors face is having a family. And you've, I think, provided a wonderful example for them to consider if you're going through this. So Kristen, I really appreciate your time and that you would come and join me and talk about this. And I'll say once more, congrats on your new family member to come.


KRISTEN:

Thank you so much, Joyce.


JOYCE: Thank you for joining me today on Don't Give Up on Testicular Cancer from the Max Mallory Foundation. Go to MaxMalloryFoundation.com to learn more about testicular cancer, to donate and send your suggestions for guests on the podcast. And join me next time for Don't Give Up on Testicular Cancer.



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